So many obituaries, so little time.

Literally. It seems as if the human life gets shorter and shorter as you see your friends, collegues, family, and other loved ones pass away. I had the unsettling news that my guitar teacher from high school passed away last week. I really want to be saddened by this news, but due to my post pardum depression, it seems as if I am lacking a lot of common emotions. I know it will come sooner or later.

The death of all of these people in the past year and a half-- my Pop Pop, my Aunt Cindy, Jacob Nesbit, V. Angelone, and a KHS Coach I briefly knew-- always remind me of my own mortality. It almost shocks me. Sometimes, I find myself in the middle of the night clutching my husband and crying, because I know that one day I will leave this beautiful earth. It honestly does freak me out.

Now I have a strong faith in God, so it shouldn't freak me out but so much. However, I feel as if EVERYBODY has their doubts-- even my father, who is one of the STRONGEST men of God I have ever met. I am constantly reminded of the most classic and well known verse of the Bible-- John 3:16(For God so loved the world that he gave his ONLY begotten Son, so that whosoever believes in him, shall not PARISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE) . It reminds me that even tho I am here on earth as a human, and my flesh will eventually fall away, but my soul, the very debts of who I am, will be in heaven. It is a belief that cannot be put into words. It is unexplainable, unthinkable, and your mind cannot wrap around it, because your mind is mortal.

Sometimes eternity seems unbelievable for me. Well, all the time. I guess maybe that is why I find heaven to be so unreal. It is so unreal that nobody can even begin to talk about it, for once again, we are but human.


I have to get my faith stronger so it doesn't falter at nights when I am panicking of the idea of my own death. I have to talk to my husband more about our beliefs, to make religion more open in our relationship. We do at times, but not nearly enough. I have so many things I personally need to fix with my lovelife with Christ, that I sometimes don't know when to begin. I suppose its part of being human and wanting everything to be perfect.