What is God trying to tell me?!?!?!

So this is the third time that I have read Matthew 5:29-30: "29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." or Mark's version of this same version (Mark 9 42-48) this week alone.

I have a feeling God is really trying to tell me something. Perhaps he is trying to tell me to stop worrying and trying to perfect my outer image, and concentrate more on my intimate relationship with Him. He makes a point. As usual. :)

Plus, in my devotional today it talks about me constantly praying for the Lord to speak to me. In this day and age, the language of God is so misinterpreted that it is easy to get lost in translation. I always have a fear that perhaps I am not really hearing him, that I am just hearing nothing. Then as always, my devotional or my readings or even something that Drew or my father will say will be exactly the things that I was praying on. There is no denying that, especially when I get such obvious answers, without me even asking people directly.

To me, it is once again proof of how much God wants to be involved in my life. The more I try to involve him, the more he really involves himself in more obvious ways. I prayed for more ways to help people out in need, I got a phone call from somebody asking me to make a meal for somebody who just had a baby. I prayed for more open communication between myself and God, and the devotional that I haven't read in a while (I have a couple that I like) talks of me just praying and saying "Speak, Lord". I have fears of the unknown-- you know, the world ending, when I will die, will my baby live a full and happy life-- and my Bible reading that night says "Why are you still afraid?"

I cannot deny such power from God. He strikes fear in my heart as well as love, and I can only pray and try to humble myself to even remotely deserve to live in his Kingdom for eternity.

"What did you do today?"

I wrestled an estranged cat from my son's arms. I made waffles for breakfast that just got mostly smeared into the floor. I wrestled with my baby while vacumming and scrubbing out blueberry stains from those waffles. I managed to change a boy that seemed like he had 8 arms, all fighting me the whole way. I made lunch for him while having him wrapped around my legs. I finally got some peace and quiet in the car until we saw his grams. I got out that wonderful lunch, with the green beans cleverly disguised in the ham and cheese sandwich I made for him, only to have it not eaten because he saw the little bits of green. I cleaned up the toys in my mother's preschool classroom because they were covered with bread and yogurt covered hands. And kissed about 5 boo boos he received while trying to run away from me or getting into something that he shouldn't have. After seeing he won't eat veggies, even cleverly disguised, I went to the store and bought 50 dollars worth of things that he may, or may not, eat that has veggies in it. I relaxed while he napped by working out, cleaned the house, and got supper ready for our family and another one who just had a baby. In between the cooking of our meal, I delivered the second. I petted the sweetest rotwieler I've ever met, chatted and cried with a fellow mother, and attempted to go home during rush hour. I came home, finished fixing the rest of the dinner, and served it with my boy once again wrapped around my ankles. I gave AJ a bath, kissed his boo boo when he hit his head on the door while he was trying to crawl away from me, soaking wet, and managed to dress him while once again him acting like an octopus.

Finally, after some down time of him going between me and his daddy over and over again, I laid him down with his bottle and kissed him good night. I thanked God for this blessing of mine and I smiled as I whispered, "I love you" to the little boy who completely rocks everything about my world.

What did you do today?

Booo to homes with fireplaces....

As winter has *finally* set in Virginia, I am sitting here bundled up like I am about to go outside. Eating day old Arby's. And a little freaked out due to the horror movie a new friend of mine and I saw together tonight. While on one hand I was glad to get out of the house, I was not expecting to get so freaked out. We went and saw Unborn. Yes, I know, the reviews and others have said that it is just corny, tasteless, and typical, but you try seeing it in a nearly empty theater with a baby at home. And with the genetics of twins running through my blood. And being a little scaredy cat like me.

On the bright side, in case you didn't notice in the bit above, I have found a new friend that I really enjoy hanging out with!!! She started coming to my church with her husband, and her husband quickly ended up having to go to Japan for 3 months. Since then, we have been texting and really getting along. I'm stoked because this is the one thing that I've been wanting and subconciously constantly praying for. Finally God blessed me with somebody at my tiny church that I connect with!

And the other bright side-- my dad's birthday is tomorrow. What cracks me up is that all he wanted for his birthday was a Kangol hat and a Wii game-- sounds like he's turning 21 to me! I am really blessed with my great, sometimes quarky, family. And I am blessed that God is showing me how to spend my time wisely and how to strengthen myself in my faith. Hopefully He will give me more opprotunities to help people so that it will open me up even more!!!!

yeOWZA!

I, like my brother, have extreme sinuses. No, they don't like to skateboard down my nose (more like run out of my nose... ha... ha...)-- but they like to tear up the insides of my face. I feel like the stuff in my sinuses have little doc martens on and is dancing to Agnostic Front's "Crucify!!". I don't know what else to do. I have a prescription, I drain my nose out, I use saline, what else is there? I've even tried the 'tapping' method where you tap and rub on certain parts of your face that supposedly drains the mucus out of your face.


Yeah right.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I am in an in depth reading of the bestselling novel, The Shack. I wasn't sure if I could read it due to my sensitivity to tragedy and children, however, I am finding this book reassuring on so many levels!!! It is a Christian novel that expresses the intensity of the relationship between this man and God after his daughter was murdered brutally.

The part that so far has struck me home was where the man, Mac, was supposed to walk across this lake with Jesus. He didn't want to, but eventually did, and through his trust he was able to. Jesus talked about not being afraid and just trusting in him. Sounds pretty typical to add to a book, right? Well, not-so-coincidentally (I'm really starting to believe that there are no such thing as coincidences, just miracles!), my Bible Reading that night was where Jesus walked on the water after the feeding of the 5,000 in Matthew. I think that God is trying to tell me not to be so daggone afraid all the time. To trust in him more. To let life happen through Him and that He will make everything alright!!! It was reassuring and really has helped me out today.

I look out my window like a little kid at Christmas and....

I get MAD!!! WHAT snow?!?! Drew wakes me up as I'm leaving telling me to call when the snow starts sticking to the roads so he can head home from Williamsburg in that damned van of his that I'm so worried about him being in all the time. I get all psyched when I wake up a little while later and.... NOTHING. I read on my message boards that they have actually closed down Hampton and Newport News schools because of this too. I mean, I know we live in Virginia and we freak over the first snow flake that falls. I know that as soon as that beautiful white stuff hits our windshield on our car we are supposed to immediately start overusing our breaks and drive like 10-20 miles under the speed limit. I also know that it is possible to make a snowman out of 1.5 inches of snow. But come ON. There is nothing!

I've been praying that it will snow a little bit, just so that AJ can experience his first snow, but I think God is having a little too much fun being the Ultimate Weather Man. I wonder if He's laughing at Virginia right now.


Oh well, I'll leave you with this line that Jesus told us in Mark 5 (I cannot remember the verse, but it was when he healed the bleeding woman and woke up the little girl): "Do not be afraid, just BELIEVE". That has bought me a lot of reassurance through my mini episodes. I actually replayed that in my head last night over and over again as I fell asleep.


.<3.

tip-toeing around in the morning time....

Well, it is morning once again. There is a dense fog in every direction of the neighborhood. The way the lights are off and I am sitting at the desktop it seems as if I am in the making of a horror movie.

Fortunately, the worse horror I should endure today is a screaming baby. AJ's third tooth has finally come through. Hurray! That means less drooling, more happy baby. I've been waiting for this for about three weeks now. The only bad part is that I know that sometime this week or next week he should sprout one more but usually the paired tooth doesn't seem to bother him coming in as much.

Last night I have finally decided that I am really going to try to start doing things for myself. I have put myself completely last on my priority list since before AJ was born and my body has really been telling me it needs some TLC. What am I going to do? I'm not quite sure. I know that today I may drop AJ off over at my friend Laurel's day care and just go out by myself. Enjoy some me time. Hopefully the crowds everywhere won't be maddening-- I'd like to head to Target to check out their rumored fantastic clearance sale.

Anyway, I don't really have anything insightful to say this morning. Perhaps I will have more to say at night when I start my dedicated bible readings. I'm determined to make my relationship with God stronger. I have to. Otherwise I will live my whole life scared that something dire is about to happen.

Cross your fingers, wish me luck. Praying for me would be a heck of a lot better, for those of you that are prayer-doers.

Hello, my name is....

I am at the point where I know that I need to find some people to hang out with. Some women who share some similar interests that I do. I feel as if staying at home is such a blessing, but at the same time a curse. God has truly blessed me by allowing me to stay at home and raise AJ in the way that I like, even if it will probably be only for a brief time. However, I have not found the tools to keep myself occupied in a fashionable manner. There are things that I'd like to do, I've even started a list of "What to do in my life".


However, I do not know if I am just lazy, or if I have started the early stages of Agoraphobia. Its not that I'm SCARED of going out, maybe its more of not knowing what the heck to do, and being afraid of making myself look like an idiot to those in public. Its amazing that I used to work sales and used to cater. I know that when I do work, I absolutely love talking to people, getting to know them, and making a good sale that is right for them. I love making food for an event look completely exquisite, but now? I just don't know!!! It's almost like I have changed so much and become so numb to myself that I don't know myself at all anymore.

I'm on a search. A search to redefine myself as a person. To sharpen my mind, to make myself known again to the outside world. I just pray that this won't be as hard as I fear!

late night rambles.

My son is asleep. My husband has been asleep (haha). And for some reason I cannot bring myself to shut my eyes.

Tonight has been interesting. It has been a night to catch up with old friends, to rediscover long lost friends, and to realize that even tho you haven't talked in years, it is still reassuring to know that they are there. Being at home all the time brings a void into life where you feel completely cut off from the outside world other than TLC and HGTV. You can only take but so much "What Not To Wear" and "Color Splash".

My ears are still ringing from the deaf defying, heart wrenching cries from my son. He is teething 3 teeth all at once and it has really bought a pickle into our relationship. I wish one of my few friends who has a child close to my age lived closer to me so we can share sob stories about it. Alas, the internet is as close as we can get.

Upon the realization that once again motherhood is not easy and that when you stay at home it gets lonely, I have decided on my New Year's Resolution. No promise to lose weight, stop drinking, or work out 10 days a week. Nope-- my resolution is to get back in touch with those that I have been close to in the past that I still frequently think about all the time. I want to mend any bridges that I may have burned to those who I really do care about. I want to reach out to those who need it and to help whoever out that I can. Perhaps an easier way to put it is that I want to become a better person in general. And to get back in touch with the outer world.

Goodnight, sweet world.



"For the Lord is good and His love endures forever, His faithfulness continues through ALL generations" (psalms 100:5)

So many obituaries, so little time.

Literally. It seems as if the human life gets shorter and shorter as you see your friends, collegues, family, and other loved ones pass away. I had the unsettling news that my guitar teacher from high school passed away last week. I really want to be saddened by this news, but due to my post pardum depression, it seems as if I am lacking a lot of common emotions. I know it will come sooner or later.

The death of all of these people in the past year and a half-- my Pop Pop, my Aunt Cindy, Jacob Nesbit, V. Angelone, and a KHS Coach I briefly knew-- always remind me of my own mortality. It almost shocks me. Sometimes, I find myself in the middle of the night clutching my husband and crying, because I know that one day I will leave this beautiful earth. It honestly does freak me out.

Now I have a strong faith in God, so it shouldn't freak me out but so much. However, I feel as if EVERYBODY has their doubts-- even my father, who is one of the STRONGEST men of God I have ever met. I am constantly reminded of the most classic and well known verse of the Bible-- John 3:16(For God so loved the world that he gave his ONLY begotten Son, so that whosoever believes in him, shall not PARISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE) . It reminds me that even tho I am here on earth as a human, and my flesh will eventually fall away, but my soul, the very debts of who I am, will be in heaven. It is a belief that cannot be put into words. It is unexplainable, unthinkable, and your mind cannot wrap around it, because your mind is mortal.

Sometimes eternity seems unbelievable for me. Well, all the time. I guess maybe that is why I find heaven to be so unreal. It is so unreal that nobody can even begin to talk about it, for once again, we are but human.


I have to get my faith stronger so it doesn't falter at nights when I am panicking of the idea of my own death. I have to talk to my husband more about our beliefs, to make religion more open in our relationship. We do at times, but not nearly enough. I have so many things I personally need to fix with my lovelife with Christ, that I sometimes don't know when to begin. I suppose its part of being human and wanting everything to be perfect.